A Compliation of Funny

Kid: So when I say "huh" it pretty much means that I'm bored of you talking.

 Me: Oh yeah?

 Kid: Yeah. I mean, it's not that YOU'RE boring. It's just that I pretty much know what I need to know...about life and stuff. I mean, I'm not little anymore you know. (Newly turned 8 y.o.)

 

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Kid: Jenn, is sex a bad word?

 Me: Uh. No, no it's not.

Kid: ok, well, what is sex?

Me: I think it's something I would like you to ask your Mom and Dad about.

 Kid: WHY does EVERYONE keep saying that? I mean, are they the experts on this sex shenanigan? (8 y.o.)

 

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Me (playing with play-doh dolphin): Hi, my name is Flipper! I like to do flips!

Kid: Jenn, I think you need to work on being more creative with your names. Your dolphin is now named HE-DOLPHIN, MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE! (8 y.o.)

 

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 Me: so what are you going to be for Halloween?

Kid: I'm going to be a tree so I can stick.

Me: (confused look)

Kid: yeah, how do like them apples? (6 y.o.)

 

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Mom: He got in trouble today for trying to sniff his friend's butt.

Me: (confused look)

Kid: WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?!?!! DOGS DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! (7 yo)

 

 

S'more? Okay, here you go!

Kid: "What's this ball thing?" Me: "It's a stress ball. You can squeeze it when you get upset or angry." Kid: "Oh, you mean instead of squeezing somebody's neck?" (5 y.o.)
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"I won't be here next week, I have a date! With Winnie the Pooh....or maybe Yogi Bear!" -5y.o.
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"Shhh. Mommy, you can't tell her that I wouldn't go to bed last night!!! She's on a need-to-know basis!!!"
(5 y.o.)
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Kid: "we need to do the cheers thing! You know, when people are so happy their Mommies gave them a drink that they cheers their glasses together?!?!" (8 y.o.)
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Kid- "My birthday is almost on Valentine's Day!"
Me- "Wow! You must have been the best Valentine's Day present ever!"
Kid- "Yeah, but my Mom hurt like hell for two days to have me!" (7 y.o.)
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Why can't grown-ups just understand that big brothers and little brothers fight like dogs and birds? It's just how it is. Woof woof! (7 y.o.)
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Kid's Mom: you can't have a sleepover because it's a school night.
Kid: Moooom it's not a school night, I don't have school until tomorrow!
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(while drawing where we feel feelings in our bodies): "Well, I feel a lot of things in my small intensine, and sometimes my large one. You know, that's pretty much where I feel happy." (7 y.o.)
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"Miss Jenn, can I tell you something? Every morning my shoes play tricks on me. They TRY and get me to put them on the wrong feet! Can you BELIEVE THAT?" (4 y.o.)
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"I'm not cutting my hair because right now I can make it stick straight up. No, seriously, my hair is a work of art!" (13 y.o.)
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Kid: well, I got to go visit my auntie but she was sick!
Me: oh, that's too bad, what was she sick with?
Kid: beef jerky!
Me: huh?
Kid: yeah it gives her runs, or it makes her run. I don't remember! (7 y.o.)
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"I would never want to meet the Queen of England. They are just so rude, well, you KNOW how queens are." (5 y.o.)
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"Don't worry Dad, if Mrs. Gilman goes to the meeting with you, she won't let you get upset. She's really good at calming down kids AND adults!" (7 y.o.)
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"Sometimes when you're scared, like of a monster you just have to picture it doing something silly. Like if I was scared of Megatron, I'd just picture him being a hairdresser!" (8 y.o.)
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"You know, sometimes friends trick you. Never trust friend trickery, it's bad stuff." -10 y.o.
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Kid: "Ahh! a spider! Ahh! Mrs. Gilman! We need missles, a grenande! maybe an army! ahh!!"
(I bravely get a tissue and squash it)
Kid: "Oh, or that." (8 y.o.)
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Dad to kid: Do you even know who the Beatles are?
Kid: Yes! They are the song band that came after the Chipmunks and stole their fan base! (7 y.o.)
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A Compilation of Sorts

Pulling quotes that I've posted on Facebook to have them all together :) Enjoy!

 "Jenn, sometimes I pretend like you're MY client cuz you know everyone needs a little help sometimes." (7y.o.)
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Kid: "I'm pretty sure Megaton could beat Winnie the Pooh in a fight to the death"
Me: "A fight to the death? I don't think those two will be in such a fight."
Kid: "I'm just saying. I mean Pooh always has his head stuck up a pot."
(4 y.o.)
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Me: Did you hear your Mom ask you a question?
Kid: ummm..no, cuz I was talking with my reflectfriend. See he looks just like me! (4 y.o.)
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Kid: I hope you wear that shirt when you come back on Thursday. I really like it.
Me: Well, I am going to have to put it in the wash, so I won't be able to wear it Thursday.
Kid: But we don't mind if you smell, we just want you to wear pretty shirts!
(6 y.o.)
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(while kiddo was pretending to be Willy, of Free Willy)
Me: Ok, I will feed you a fish but then you have to do a trick!
Kid: But I'm too pretty to do tricks! (4 y.o.)
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"This is my Daddy's room, he has a stuffed animal too because sometimes Daddies get a teeny weeny bit scared." (5 y.o.)
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(while playing Monopoly with a 6 y.o.):
Me: Okay, well I'm going to buy a house for my property.
Kid: WELL. *I* am not buying a house until I'm married with children!
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(while playing "Mother May I") Mother may I do a karateballerina step? You know, with a big HI-YA at the end?" (7 y.o.)
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Kid 50 minutes into our hour long appt: "ummm..well, I'm gonna let you go now ok? I've some of my people waiting for me." (8 y.o.)
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Me: "ok kiddo, I'm headed out. What are your plans for the rest of the day?"
Kid: "trying not to go insane."
Me: "ok, sounds good!"
(12 y.o.)
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"Jenn, do keep all your thoughts in your hair? It's awfully curly!" (7 y.o.)
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" My Mom told me 'be kind, rewind'....what does that even MEAN? What's a rewind?!" (8 y.o.)
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"You know Mrs. Gilman, my memory is sort of like a CD player. Sometimes you put the CD in and it starts playing right away. Sometimes you put the CD in and it just says 'Disc Error'" (12 y.o.)
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"Hey Mrs. Gilman? I know that we're not going to be working together anymore. But....if you ever have another kid that has a hard time with emotions like me, just tell them it gets better ok? And if you want, they can even talk to me too. I'd like to help other kids out." (12 y.o.)
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Kid: did you know there's a wedding in England tomorrow?
Me: oh really?
Kid: yup, it's Prince Wollie and Princess Kate Middlefinger!
(5 y.o.)
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Me: well, school is important if you want to be a lawyer like you said.
Kid: Oh c'mon Jenn, you know I'm just another brick in the wall.
(14 y.o.)
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Kid #1: Did you know the Hungry Hungry Hippos have a cartoon with a song?
Me: No, is it cool?!
Kid #2: It's ...awkward. (9 & 12 y.o.)
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Me: So what should the name be for the first chapter in your book?
Kid: Hmmm..I know! "The Beginning Stages of A STAR!!!" (12 y.o.)
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Me: Wow, you have a new baby sister! That's great!
Kid: Not really. When she cries she sounds like a dying cat. (7 y.o.)
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Kid: Well, I bumped my head yesterday, but I'm ok now.
Me: I hope you didn't knock out any brain cells!
Kid: What are brain cells?
Me: They store everything in our brain so we can remember what we learn.
 Kid: Oh, I don't think I have any of those! (8y.o.)
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"I wish I had a trash can in my brain so I could throw away all the bad memories and thoughts." 10 y.o.
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More to come when I have more time to sift through Facebook! :) Have a great day!

The future

Me: so what do you think you'll do for a job when you grow up?

Kid 1: ummmm...probably a unicorn trainer, but it depends on how college goes, you know (6 y.o.)

Kid 2: well, I'm just hoping I can still live with Mom and Dad cuz they say the real world is scary and I don't like monsters. (8 y.o.)

Kid 3: I'll be a firefighter cuz I like to rescue cats! (8 y.o.)

Kid 4: I know for sure that  I'm NOT going to be a grown up! (7 y.o.)

So, what are you going to be when YOU grow up?

Welcome to the Blog Edition of "Kid Quotes of the Day"

Hi everyone,

I've been getting SUCH great feedback about my "Kid Quotes of the Day" that I post on Facebook occasionally. I asked if people wanted MORE in a blog format, and the answer was YES, PLEASE! So I plan on trying to update this regularly with hilarious kid quotes to make you laugh (and sometimes a little teary).

To get us started, I've collected some of my past favorite kids quotes!

"I got fired from school. Yeah, I was sleeping on the job." -5 year old
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6 year old (making smoothie): "I'm sure the natives will liked this, they like watermelon."
Me: "The natives?"
6 year old: "You know, Canadians!"
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4 year old: "Jenn do you need a hairbrush?"
Me: "No thanks, why?"
4 year old: "Your hair looks messy!"
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5 year old: "I was late to the bus stop today."
Me: "Oh yeah, what time did you make it there?"
5 year old: "I'm not sure, I had a watch, but I ate it."
Me: "You ATE it?"
5 year old: "Well, yeah, it was candy!"
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7 year old: Did you know, I'm going to Disneyland for my birthday!
Me: WOW, how long are you going to be there?
7 year old: I'm not sure, first I have to tell my Mom that I'm going.
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Me: What do you think bullies become when they grow up?
6 year old: Teenagers!
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5 year old: Did you know that I learned to tie my shoes when I was 3? yup, I went to school for it. Shoe school!