S'more? Okay, here you go!

Kid: "What's this ball thing?" Me: "It's a stress ball. You can squeeze it when you get upset or angry." Kid: "Oh, you mean instead of squeezing somebody's neck?" (5 y.o.)
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"I won't be here next week, I have a date! With Winnie the Pooh....or maybe Yogi Bear!" -5y.o.
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"Shhh. Mommy, you can't tell her that I wouldn't go to bed last night!!! She's on a need-to-know basis!!!"
(5 y.o.)
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Kid: "we need to do the cheers thing! You know, when people are so happy their Mommies gave them a drink that they cheers their glasses together?!?!" (8 y.o.)
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Kid- "My birthday is almost on Valentine's Day!"
Me- "Wow! You must have been the best Valentine's Day present ever!"
Kid- "Yeah, but my Mom hurt like hell for two days to have me!" (7 y.o.)
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Why can't grown-ups just understand that big brothers and little brothers fight like dogs and birds? It's just how it is. Woof woof! (7 y.o.)
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Kid's Mom: you can't have a sleepover because it's a school night.
Kid: Moooom it's not a school night, I don't have school until tomorrow!
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(while drawing where we feel feelings in our bodies): "Well, I feel a lot of things in my small intensine, and sometimes my large one. You know, that's pretty much where I feel happy." (7 y.o.)
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"Miss Jenn, can I tell you something? Every morning my shoes play tricks on me. They TRY and get me to put them on the wrong feet! Can you BELIEVE THAT?" (4 y.o.)
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"I'm not cutting my hair because right now I can make it stick straight up. No, seriously, my hair is a work of art!" (13 y.o.)
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Kid: well, I got to go visit my auntie but she was sick!
Me: oh, that's too bad, what was she sick with?
Kid: beef jerky!
Me: huh?
Kid: yeah it gives her runs, or it makes her run. I don't remember! (7 y.o.)
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"I would never want to meet the Queen of England. They are just so rude, well, you KNOW how queens are." (5 y.o.)
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"Don't worry Dad, if Mrs. Gilman goes to the meeting with you, she won't let you get upset. She's really good at calming down kids AND adults!" (7 y.o.)
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"Sometimes when you're scared, like of a monster you just have to picture it doing something silly. Like if I was scared of Megatron, I'd just picture him being a hairdresser!" (8 y.o.)
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"You know, sometimes friends trick you. Never trust friend trickery, it's bad stuff." -10 y.o.
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Kid: "Ahh! a spider! Ahh! Mrs. Gilman! We need missles, a grenande! maybe an army! ahh!!"
(I bravely get a tissue and squash it)
Kid: "Oh, or that." (8 y.o.)
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Dad to kid: Do you even know who the Beatles are?
Kid: Yes! They are the song band that came after the Chipmunks and stole their fan base! (7 y.o.)
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